In , one quarter of adults under forty-five in the U. This means that today, in the U. Seeing more and more relationships fail or fall to infidelity reinforces the belief that failure is inevitable.
Yes, adults have greater freedom and more opportunity than perhaps ever before, but there are hidden costs—and the costs are escalating. It is for each parent to determine the legacy they will leave for their children. Relationships—like many things—are more easily disposed of than worked on. Do they take it to the junkyard or to the mechanic?
What does it say of a person—of a culture—when their relationship is more disposable than their car? These dilemmas are exacerbated by the increased pressure we put on marriage.
The expectations of marriage have grown as other social networks—with friends, extended families, neighborhood groups and so on—have broken down. In marrying, the expectation is that the couple will form a lifelong bond that is safe, nurturing, loving, financially stable, and exciting. We think if we are not happy we have the right to end our relationships. On average, marriages end after eleven years. Psychotherapist Rachel Morris believes that our modern culture is counter-intuitive to sticking with marriage through the long haul; that to do so is totally at odds with modern messages of choice and freedom and ambition.
Despite the seeming incompatibility between marriage and modern messages of choice and freedom, growing numbers of young adults are saying they want a monogamous marriage, and growing numbers of Americans are disapproving of infidelity. Yet we are more likely to accept infidelity in our own relationships, rather than see it as the automatic deal-breaker we saw it as in the past—and more likely to confront it directly with the help of therapists and counselors.
While not all marriages can—or should—be saved, no therapist can save a marriage if either partner is not committed to working on the issues brought to the fore through the infidelity. Sometimes too much damage has been done, or reconciliation remains elusive, or the unfaithful partner is unwilling to leave the affair in order to work on the relationship.
Couples who have a strong commitment to rebuilding their relationship and have the strength and determination to do so, have a high probability of staying together and renewing a relationship that grows in depth, honesty, and intimacy. From the viewpoint of the children, divorce is a cumulative experience. When the time comes to choose a life mate and build a family, the effects of divorce are exacerbated.
Ana Nogales, Ph. Ultimately children benefit from parents who show them how a conscious and loving couple can grow together, through good times and bad.
If they cannot stay committed, they need to extricate themselves from the relationship before pursuing other relations. The consequences of acting otherwise are tremendous—especially when children are involved. When a man is unfaithful to his wife, he is being unfaithful to his children as well. How will the children ever trust again? What kinds of relationships will they have?
While the betrayed parent may not expect anything from the cheating spouse, their child is left with hopeful expectations as well as a host of fears. Children often find themselves in a nightmare that offers few viable options. Another option is to express their outrage, and in doing so risk being abandoned by a person whose love they so desperately want and need. Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion.
They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.
While every family is different, and each child is unique, Nogales identifies the following core responses experienced by children of all ages—from young children to adults—when they find that one or both of their parents has been unfaithful. In an attempt to protect children from the realities of infidelity, a parent may fail to offer any explanation, minimize the situation by telling a half-truth, or simply lie—this then becomes a second betrayal.
It is best when the parent discusses the infidelity in a way that is both honest and age appropriate. The younger the children are, the less a parent needs to say about it. If the children have heard or suspect something is wrong, and are asking questions, then it is very important to recognize that a factual—rather than emotional—response is needed. It is worse for children to feel there are secrets being withheld from them, especially when these secrets are affecting them.
When they have no idea about what has happened, it may not be necessary to tell them—even if they are adolescents. The caution here is that parents usually greatly underestimate what the child suspects or knows. It is best when parents who are separating agree what they will tell the children and then do this together, perhaps with the support of someone known and trusted by the family.
It is easier on the children knowing that their intention is to continue to parent them together. The personal environment in which a child lives and from which she draws her sense of safety and security—namely her family—is fundamentally changed because the most important people in that environment have become unrecognizable.
When children learn that the most important people in their world are untrustworthy, their ability to trust others can be seriously impaired. Wanting to avoid being hurt in the same way they witnessed a parent being hurt, they may do whatever it takes to protect themselves from being emotionally vulnerable. Is it possible to relearn how to trust? Nogales believes that trust is a need and a feeling, but also a skill that can be learned.
She outlines a process whereby even when a child has been subjected to infidelity, she can learn to trust again:. Each of us needs to remember that we always have the option to trust, even when that trust was shattered by a parent. A person can decide to be trusting of those who deserve her trust. Being aware of how others demonstrated or failed to demonstrate their ability to make her feel respected, listened to, and safe will help her hone her skill at choosing who to trust.
I remember my anger just grew realizing how my relationship with my son had been broken and contaminated by the whole sordid nightmare. I knew I protected him as a mother from the world, but it was a horrible feeling to realize I had to protect him from my own rage and sorrow. The only good news is that I did heal. It is important that adult children of infidelity feel able to share their thoughts and feelings with another person—be it a parent or trusted other—rather than hold onto any anger they feel towards the unfaithful parent.
Often, expressing anger or hatred leads to deeper feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear. A Native American story tells of a grandmother talking to her granddaughter. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one. In summary:. But this is where I find myself. I am bewildered as to what to do. I just know how I feel. I hate him. One side of a woman may say, I hate him.
The other side may know that the children need a dad, and that she does not want them to live with this bitterness in their hearts. And so she may worry, Will they be afraid to commit to intimate relationships of their own? Will this turn them against the world? Will they blame themselves for what happened? It is important for a child—and woman—to be aware that because she loves someone, does not necessarily mean that person is worthy of her trust.
It is neither safe nor wise to immediately give yourself over to what is in the moment seductive, especially when entering a sexual relationship. Trust is cultivated over time, and through self-inquiry.
Do I feel respected by this person? Are their words and actions congruent? It is also important that they be assured it is not their role to offer their parent ongoing emotional support. Nogales asserts that the unfaithful parent must admit wrongdoing, if only to win back some of the respect from their child. When a parent refuses to offer any genuine apology—for the betrayal, for breaking up the marriage—and to acknowledge his child was profoundly affected by the infidelity, it makes it very difficult for the child to come to any kind of healthy resolution.
When wrongdoing is admitted, this may encourage children to open up and talk about their feelings surrounding the infidelity. Assure them that their feelings are valid, and that there is no such thing as a right or wrong feeling, and no shame in having emotions.
When children bury their feelings, the rage, sadness, and confusion will spill over into other relationships without their being aware of it. It can be easier for children to think of forgiving the unfaithful parent when they understand that forgiveness does not mean ignoring or condoning what the parent did.
It means coming to terms with what happened, and allowing themselves to move through the negative emotions that they find themselves in the grip of. Forgiving is not condoning. Nor is it an agreement to ignore wrongdoing. Forgiving is about accepting human frailty—even that of a parent whom they looked to as their primary role model. Nogales emphasizes that to come to this place of acceptance as an older child requires going through a process of understanding, expressing, and letting go of their resentments.
This includes understanding how they and their family were affected by the infidelity, working through and expressing their feelings about it, and finally relinquishing their anger and resentment. This requires confronting difficult questions such as: Can I accept that someone I love and trusted has breached my trust?
Can I accept that one parent deeply hurt the other? Counsel with a skilled professional or wise and trusted other can be very important, as can journaling, or some form of expressive arts therapy. To the degree a child of infidelity is able to come to a place of understanding and acceptance, they will be free of the weight and the shadow of all those unresolved feelings that otherwise follow them into their own intimate relationships with others.
Most of those who were unfaithful were so during the first stages of their relationship, after which time they realized that infidelity did not resolve their problems, nor did it fulfill their emotional needs. Nogales is not alone in believing that the intense insecurity in children and adult children that being exposed to parental infidelity provokes, may create the need to resolve unfinished emotional business by engaging in the same pattern of behavior.
Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Wallerstein et al. The strongest consequences of marital disruption do not appear until they confront the challenges of early adulthood.
And of course, many of the parents of these children separate or divorce. One might think that the grown children of older couples who experience infidelity or divorce would feel sad but not devastated.
But grown children, too, are profoundly distressed and suddenly propelled into examining their own relationships and worrying what and whom they can rely on and for how long. Wallerstein found that the contrast between children of divorce and children from even moderately unhappy intact homes as they reached adulthood and went in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment was striking.
Now while it is true that Wallerstein is talking of children of divorce, not infidelity, the parallels are clear and surely few would argue that the implications similarly hold true for children of infidelity. The children from even moderately unhappy families, as young adults, had an understanding of the demands and sacrifices required in close relationships—and memories of how their parents struggled and overcame differences.
Adults from divorced families were at a greater personal disadvantage. Denis Ortman, Cheating Parents: Recovering from Parental Infidelity , finds that many have only vague, if any memories, of that time and little insight into the impact on their own marital life. The impact will not be evident until they begin themselves to engage in intimate relationships.
In Chapter 2: The Nature of Infidelity , we saw that young adults still expect fidelity and loyalty between their parents, and that adult children whose parents cheated still want monogamous relationships themselves. Wallerstein reports that despite their first-hand experience of seeing how marriage can fail, adult children of divorce sincerely want lasting, faithful relationships. They believe divorce in a family with children should be the absolute last resort. KRISTI: The frontal lobe region of the brain is not fully developed until twenty-five years of age, so much of our behavior before this age is driven by impulse.
Children and young adults are constantly observing us, and learn so much from what we say and especially from what we do. Being healthy, positive role models is the best way we can support them in making healthy decisions. Again, this is not to say that anyone should remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
Rather, it highlights the importance of a couple realistically looking at what divorce entails for the family, and the importance of exploring every possible avenue—including counseling—before making the decision to separate.
We have seen, in many of the stories in this book, the struggles children of infidelity experience as adults in forming healthy and intimate relationships. The women here have emerged stronger for their struggles—but not without tremendous courage, pain, perseverance, and a willingness to learn from their own failed relationships. Many have gone on to form healthy relationships. Similarly, as reported in Wallerstein, many children of divorce have emerged eager to rewrite history, not repeat it.
The women who have shared their stories of infidelity here would hope too, that their children may grow to rewrite, and not repeat, the past. They have chosen to do their very best to serve as healthy role models for their children. Meryn G. Meryn Callander with born in Portland, Australia, in She graduated from Monash University, Melbourne, with degrees in both economics and social work. At 25, she quit her position working with children in crisis, feeling she was doing little but applying Band-Aids to gaping wounds.
Searching for that illusive something more, she headed to Europe, and then the U. It was there she met John W. Travis, M. Their marriage and professional partnership spanned almost three decades, during which time they pushed the leading edges of wellness—going well beyond the popular focus on nutrition and physical fitness, into the mental and emotional, interpersonal and spiritual dimensions of wellbeing.
They co-authored several pioneering books on wellness, and facilitated seminars and retreats in the U. In , Meryn became a mother.
After decades of working in adult wellness, she gleaned a whole new appreciation of how profoundly our early years impact the wellbeing of the adults we become. In she co-founded, and served for several years as president of, the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children. The Alliance emerged from a core group of interdisciplinary experts dedicated to supporting caregivers, professionals, and policymakers in practicing the art and science of nurturing children.
While John stayed well beyond the challenges of those early years, their experiences compelled her to identify the dynamics underlying the epidemic of men leaving their families—physically or emotionally—soon after the birth of a child, and how couples can grow together rather than apart.
The book offers insights and practical ways of preventing the devastating impact of this dynamic. Her latest book, After His Affair: Women Rising from the Ashes of Infidelity is a reflection of her concern at the escalating rates of infidelity and the devastation that is left in its wake.
How can we, as women, make good of our heartbreak? What does it mean for the children? And how might we avoid—or heal from—the trauma of infidelity? Meryn is a counselor, spiritual intuitive, and akashic reader for women in transition. When I found the courage at that young age to confront her, she dismissed me for not understanding. I was taught to lie about and hide what I knew, and was used as a go between.
The worst part is that I became just like her by cheating on my husband. I know how deep betrayal cuts, and how wide and deep the repercussions run. And yes, when a parent cheats, not only their partner but also their children experience the devastation of that betrayal. In other words, you learn betrayal is the name of the game.
And so many of us, like you, go on to repeat the pattern—until we bring to the light of consciousness an understanding of the pattern, and our ability to shift it. I imagine it took courage to read this chapter, and courage to own and share as you have; and that same courage is what it takes to decide once and for all, enough. In After His Affair: Women Rising…, both women who have been betrayed and those who have themselves betrayed, share in a deeply personal and intimate style, their stories of doing just that.
You can do this, too. And thank you for sharing this. My ex husband has repeated what his mother did. I now know as his second wife what really happened. Attention was Diverted. His mother did a lot of damage to those children when she came back and married the best friend.
Something was not right in my marriage my ex was not able to ferl empathy or emotional pain for me when I lost my own parents. My children and I now pay for this as he moved straight in eith a woman from affair and bought a house with her within 6 months.
She was basically brainwashed by the other man into thinking there was a great life in store for her. That was a lie too. I was devastated and never really recovered. It kills me to think about it. Maybe if you make the cost seem high enough, your cheating parent will give reconciliation another try. For you sake, I hope so, because the alternative is truly a horrible life.
Janey J. This is about how I feel about the real possibility that you are. If so, are you crazy? Completely, horribly, wrong? Has everything you ever taught me about right and wrong another lie? How much are you lying to yourself or believing the lies of some other person? But what do you do with that? Cheating, infidelity, adultery, whatever you want to call it, is way worse than any other set of problems.
There is no comparison of infidelity to other problems and there is no possible justification for it. That makes me very sad and very angry to think that you could be doing that right now, to Dad, to me, to our family. You talk so much about how much I mean to you and how much you love me. For older children, the model of the parental romantic relationship being tainted with an affair may complicate the already difficult tasks of dating and marriage.
Some studies indicate an increased likelihood of infidelity in adult relationships when children come from homes with infidelity. Similarly, these adult children can face challenges trusting others in romantic relationships. Ultimately, if you find yourself in a situation where you or your spouse has been unfaithful, offering your child support, attention and resources can help reinforce feelings of security and love. It may be wise to consult a family counselor about how to discuss difficult topics with your children without placing additional emotional burdens upon them.
A counselor may be able to offer guidance about how to balance being honest with your children with sharing too much information. The Case The parties were married for ten years and have four children. It's not uncommon for children to react by testing the rules themselves to see what they can get away with. A common reaction is anger - often at both parents.
The cheating parent is easy to blame because he or she took action that ended the marriage and hurt everyone involved in the situation. Kids will frequently freeze this parent out or rage at him or her. It's also not unusual to blame the non-cheating parent, believing that he or she could have done something that would have prevented the cheating, like being more loving, working harder to please the other spouse, etc.
When a parent betrays the entire family, children frequently experience doubt that they can trust anyone ever again. If a parent broke trust with the family, who can you rely on? Children will experience insecurity in all of their relationships. Teens may find it hard to trust members of the opposite sex and say that love is not worth the risk.
Be available to listen to your child. Let him or her talk and just listen. It's also important that both parents talk about the situation, as hard as that may be.
The cheating parent may be met with silence or ignored, but it is important to apologize for the hurt that has been caused and offer to talk about it with the child in therapy. The non-cheating parent is often in a better situation to have a conversation with the child.
It's hard to do, but the best course is to emphasize that this happened between the parents and does not affect the relationship and the love between the cheating parent and the child.
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